Ridiculing classmates when you miss them

PART I

As the stalemate over government formation continues in the state, our Chief Representative (read evergreen adamant Abid Hafiz) has prepared a list of “certain” demands that will be put forth to government, if formed. 

Hafiz, after holding deliberations with his all-round brain-child, has come up with these “sane” demands, which, he says, will bring back silver-golden days we all enjoyed under the branchless Chinar tree of Melody Engineered Rehearsal Choreography (MERC). 

Number one

1.       Passport for Ruhi Afzal, as the man (sheikh) is growing bald on the beaches of Mumbai. The CR wants him to travel to US, as soon as possible, to undergo a hair-transplant-surgery, and became an ambassador of MERC. Besides, he will be expected to arrange forged internship for MERC senior Faculty, as some of them are yet to make inroads in the play-media field.

2.       A Tele-vision house for Maleek IshtiyaqZada with no viewership, as the man with his “boastful black-tongue”, will already drive away his audience. “It is difficult to tolerate him. Such a wasted talent”, the audience will shout. They will not know that we along with our CR are tolerating him, though we don’t want to.

3.        A cabin-crew for Roup Bhat. How can our all-rounder CR forget him? Bhat’s cabin will be installed on the uncountable stairs of Humanities BLOCK, and his job will be to scan all fat and slim girls, besides bald professors and madams. Everyone among you will like this noble- profession, but our Chinese CR has shown faith on Bhat. Bhat, have a happy ending or never die.

4.       A facial-kit for Basera Rafique. All the creams, she had tried during her beautiful period of life have failed to make her Pretty. The CR wants her to regain her shine she lost while interning with INDIAN EXPRESS, free of cost. No offence, Basera. Pun intented. Son of Manzoor Ahmand already knows that you are too much pretty. Don’t care what world says.

5.       A googly-goggle for Wazem Malla. The man has shunned all doors of being an agent and informer. Now, he tries to ridicule his bosses by posting on social networking sites against them at some unknown location. Our esteemed CR has learnt from his ill-informed sources that Malla is losing sight to such posts, while CR wants him to carry on this unnecessary –job. So, a googly for him.

6.       RED lehanga for HUDD-DUD-DUL-NISA, as our CR wants her to wear REDNESS during her wedding ceremony. You all remember how elegant she was looking in a reddish dress of hers while ploughing the hard fields on the banks of river Jhelum, during our plantation days. 

7.       A restaurant for Pardaiz Chowdhary, where he can grow fatty. All our restaurants from Kashmir to Delhi have failed his belly, as he secretly has developed love for lose motions. Whatever he eats gallops straightway to his trousers and the fatty proteins too. The restaurant, as our CR demands, will fit his belly. Happy monsoon lose motion, Pardaiz. CR doesn’t want to see your motions to get loosened while you will be teaching young minds. Congrats for new job. Somebody might be missing your canteen days. I am not talking about HUDD-DUD-DUl-Nisa.  

8.       A Manipuri girl for Atraf-ful-Ashraf. Hey, don’t take it otherwise. It is only for some purpose. You know, it is his language, I mean pronunciation.  The man (Ashraf) still pronounces PAN as PEIN. So a Manipuri girl, who will correct his mouth-tongue combination, and PRO-NUN-SA-SION.

9.       A bullet-train-tablets for Aaamd Ashraf, as the man took one year to reach Delhi from Kashmir. So, slow he is. Even, he takes too much time to visit loo. You may say loo comes to him, feeling the pain his belly gives him.

10.   A jammer for Jib-arms-leg-mouth Ali. The man is too much noisy. His waves disturb our CR, coming from Budgam (Natipora) to Rajbagh. He (Jib-arm) does not know that disturbing our CR is not easy, as he is always lost in his world, nobody has a clue.

11.      A fruit Mandi for Ehtran-ul-haq. “His haq”, as our CR says is to have his own fruit mandi in the vast fruit orchards of apple tawn. Basically, CR has a rich taste for twan’s apples, and, you know, free-boxes to Rajbagh. Tawnzad CR tchu yeh.

12.   Who can forget our charming girl? And muh-maya sister of our honorable CR, I mean Shabi-ba-sheena.  Oh! Mr. CCR has a special thing for her. CR wanted to keep it secret. But, as I have been told to make a detailed demand, I have to include her. The truth is that I am not 100 percent sure if I am writing it exactly what CR wanted me to write.  “A dark beamer for her black eyes, as this girl always plays spoilsport with his itchy eyes for the boys. You know, boys get attracted to her, easily. She is a fool. Her marriage is fixed. I don’t want to get bad-naam.  I think, as a responsible, I have to keep her under burka, yes afghani in sheerazi style”. Nice  Brother.

13.   For Mr. Hum-aid syed. Bechara, lost himself before devastated floods. Everyone among you might have been praying, “Floods, take Hum-aid, and leave the historic city”. The CR has demanded for him a crow-like-satellite, which can find him. Hum-aid is in hiding, as  ill-informed sources, told our CR that he is under radar of Taliban as the man (hum-aid) has tried to replace Fazi-Fazz-Dullah long back in yaugust.

14.    A boneless chicken and sheep farm for Ria-gana Maqbool, who is very maqbool for her vegetarian taste and bone-hatic. Sometime back a dog in the colony tried to hit her with a bone, She, in return, caught hold of the beast and ate him saying, “ I don’t like bones, but I like meat”. Grow muscles, Rai-gana.

15.   Yes, that bangle wali-behanji. I am talking about Aam-mirchi Manzoor. She doesn’t wear bangles, but pretends when he has a fight with girls. You remember that. Our CR says, “Since, we have only one behanji in our class, let us find for him a bhaijaan. The man has spoiled careers of many so called trendy girls with his silky hair and yo-yo style. He is mamu too. But one day, in Delhi, he was speaking about gay rights. I am suspicious. Surely, I have to do something for this man. He is behanji, but he is man first.” I didn’t understand the last sentence. You might be also in confusion. But, who can question the neik-neyat of our CR.

16.   OH! My son. I really feel bad for him. He is always ditched by veils. Basically, he is very sensitive and sacrifices everything for a veil. I have always tried to persuade him that beta, there is a snake, don’t be bitched. But, this self-styled Saif-Ali-Khan aka Fazi-lati-Kashmiri doesn’t pay any heed. Now, CR has tried to rein him.  “A robot-veiled girl for him. Yes. This is the final solution. He can do whatever pleases him with her. And he doesn’t have to spend 23 hours for make-uff to see a heartless veiled girl for 23 seconds in a day. It doesn’t matter to have children.  He can have them. I will arrange. I am your representative. I can also represent your children. I will open my school. I will give them my view-of-education-we will and we can”. Fazi-lati-Kashmiri, this CR really cares for you. I have never seen him going mad, but for you. He really turned insane when it cam to you. And I have emitted certain things, which I think government will not able to read.

17.       A bank for banker Umb-Rain-Na Majeed. “We all know, we will have to starve once day, but Umn-Rain-Na is our hope. Let us have a bank for her, and loot it when the time comes.”

The CR, in his clerical tone, said that another list will be prepared in next session, as his time to edit his newspaper, Kashmir Rage, which is written by its editor and read by none, had come.

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MADNI